Chapter 2: Duality

If you observe me from a distance, I am always lost in my own thought. Restless, yes. Hyper at times, yes. It feels like my brain goes in overdrive and I’m moving through a trance. Saying yes to everything, until….. the trance wears off and the intensity of my so called ‘duality’ is felt. Maybe this is just the human experience? Does everyone feel this unsettled at all times?

These extremities make me feel as if I cannot get myself to do anything. At times, I want to hide away as I don’t even have the energy to do the simplest of things. This can last for days at a time or is easily broken by random erratic shifts; a constant push & pull. I don’t know how to act, how to behave, carry myself, or really do anything. Everything feels like a facade & I’m just a blob of nothing. They say life shouldn’t be taken so seriously; but how is that even possible when it feels so serious? 

I can’t escape this feeling of impending doom. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and maybe it would be better if I just disappeared. How do people keep going? I am extremely fragile. I mask myself with rigidity and stubbornness, which feels like my only defense mechanism. But on the inside, I’m just a fragile flower, seeking a safe space; crumbling and withering from the harsh winds that shake my core. 

I believe it’s about finding the beauty in the hardest of places, but what if I already found it? What do I do then? 

I see the beauty and I want to engulf myself within its tight embrace, but my path is hazy. Almost as if I’ve glued myself on the bridge between reality and fantasy. I want to run as fast as my legs can take me but my feet feel stuck. I’m not able to move. The anxiety builds up, I feel that horrible feeling resonating one of a panic attack, that I need to get out of here, that utter frustration of not being able to run. The adrenaline builds up and I’m sweating. I want to run into the beauty of the land I see before me, why are my legs not moving? I feel like I'm being pulled away into reality, but I am trying to run. I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve been running for so long, but this whole time was it a delusion? Was I never running? So I stand, between both worlds, unable to fully turn back and unable to run into the beauty. 

They say do or die. But I’m just stuck on the ‘or.’ Neither here nor there. Invisible and unfortunately therefore easily forgotten to both worlds.